This is kind of a different post for me, I don’t tend to share too much about what goes on in my head because…well I am pretty shy and don’t like to talk about myself pretty much at all.
I find the whole self-promotion as an artist thing really hard and often question myself about what I am doing and wonder if people are really listening/reading/clicking etc.
I like to share what I create on this blog and our adventures with Ellie, but to be honest I struggle with blogging. Sometimes I have plenty to say and sometimes I don’t. I’m like that in real life too. Some days when we walk Ellie I can’t stop talking and telling Hubby all my ideas and thoughts and other days I just like to enjoy the peace and the scenery (when it’s not dark) as we walk.
When people start to get to know me they may think me hard to work out, I am pretty quiet until I get to know you more and then I will gradually share more and open up a bit. I also love to laugh and be a little silly
Anyway, today I wanted to talk about walking in my own shoes because I feel like I am not, to be blunt.
Not that I am pretending or faking anything but I have a huge desire to draw and dare I say not paint.
There i said it, it’s out in the open and I am wanting to hide…
When I started playing with the ink and watercolours late last year I was over the moon, I felt like I was walking my path and my shoes fit perfect and I was excited about where this was going to take me. I had also started doing graphite drawings which thrilled me I can’t tell you how much.
I have reawakened the passion inside me that was there all along but I pretended it wasn’t and stuffed it down, hid it away because I believed nobody wanted my drawings.
Somewhere between loving drawing as a child and just doing it despite what people thought and then getting a complex because I was never ‘good enough’ I hid and then I became someone I did not know. I gained a ton of weight, I was totally miserable.
When I became a Christian after my Grandparents died, I started to hope I could be an artist. I had been doing well with crafts but I knew it wasn’t really me. So then my painting took off to a certain extent and for a while I was happy. My skills got better and I loved blessing others with my work. (Still do!!)
During this time I lost a lot of weight and started to figure out who I really am. So now I’m almost to goal weight, a lot of areas in my life are great but the niggling ache in my heart never went away and now it’s bursting to come out and I am scared. What is this going to look like? will people like it? what am I going to do?…. so many questions, no answers, and yet the feeling remains.
So here I am opening up to you to let you know why there isn’t much new art happening, why I don’t blog much and what’s going on in my head right now.
Behind the scenes I am drawing, I am playing and I’m nervous! I feel like a kid again in some respects, I am rediscovering me.
The above watercolour and ink drawings is one of my fav. I am so disappointed I couldn’t get it to look anywhere near as good as it really does, the colours are off. I framed it and put it on my window sill in my studio. Whenever I look at it I smile and wonder…
So I guess this is a major transition period for me and I have no idea where it’s going, but I do really hope you’ll stick around.