February 15, 2012

Walking in your own shoes


This is kind of a different post for me, I don’t tend to share too much about what goes on in my head because…well I am pretty shy and don’t like to talk about myself pretty much at all.

I find the whole self-promotion as an artist thing really hard and often question myself about what I am doing and wonder if people are really listening/reading/clicking etc.

I like to share what I create on this blog and our adventures with Ellie, but to be honest I struggle with blogging. Sometimes I have plenty to say and sometimes I don’t. I’m like that in real life too. Some days when we walk Ellie I can’t stop talking and telling Hubby all my ideas and thoughts and other days I just like to enjoy the peace and the scenery (when it’s not dark) as we walk.

When people start to get to know me they may think me hard to work out, I am pretty quiet until I get to know you more and then I will gradually share more and open up a bit. I also love to laugh and be a little silly Smile

Anyway, today I wanted to talk about walking in my own shoes because I feel like I am not, to be blunt.

Not that I am pretending or faking anything but I have a huge desire to draw and dare I say not paint. Embarrassed smile

There i said it, it’s out in the open and I am wanting to hide…

When I started playing with the ink and watercolours late last year I was over the moon, I felt like I was walking my path and my shoes fit perfect and I was excited about where this was going to take me. I had also started doing graphite drawings which thrilled me I can’t tell you how much.

I have reawakened the passion inside me that was there all along but I pretended it wasn’t and stuffed it down, hid it away because I believed nobody wanted my drawings.

Somewhere between loving drawing as a child and just doing it despite what people thought and then getting a complex because I was never ‘good enough’ I hid and then I became someone I did not know. I gained a ton of weight, I was totally miserable.

When I became a Christian after my Grandparents died, I started to hope I could be an artist. I had been doing well with crafts but I knew it wasn’t really me. So then my painting took off to a certain extent and for a while I was happy. My skills got better and I loved blessing others with my work. (Still do!!)

During this time I lost a lot of weight and started to figure out who I really am. So now I’m almost to goal weight, a lot of areas in my life are great but the niggling ache in my heart never went away and now it’s bursting to come out and I am scared. What is this going to look like? will people like it? what am I going to do?…. so many questions, no answers, and yet the feeling remains.

So here I am opening up to you to let you know why there isn’t much new art happening, why I don’t blog much and what’s going on in my head right now.

Behind the scenes I am drawing, I am playing and I’m nervous! I feel like a kid again in some respects, I am rediscovering me.

The above watercolour and ink drawings is one of my fav. I am so disappointed I couldn’t get it to look anywhere near as good as it really does, the colours are off. I framed it and put it on my window sill in my studio. Whenever I look at it I smile and wonder…

So I guess this is a major transition period for me and I have no idea where it’s going, but I do really hope you’ll stick around.





Zuda Gay Pease said...

Transitioning is a good thing. I have been in a rut that I haven't quite figured out which direction I want to go out of it. I think that is a good thing. We learn and grow from each path we take...(each craft or medium we use) and the old ones are building blocks for what is to come. Love this piece!

Karen said...

I know that I feel like this all the time. I applaud you for facing it. Praying that you find the path that fits the best and that you are able to share it with others!

Hilary said...

Well, I love that little ink and watercolour painting ~ and I love your courage to say it out loud, and to seek what feels authentic ~ I am looking forward to seeing where this path takes you :)

juliabadgley said...

Niki, you're very brave. It sounds like you're on the way to figuring things out... Keep going:)

Sheila said...

Niki-You are halfway to where God wants you to be with your artwork, by just admitting to yourself that you need to change your path. That is the biggest step! You go girl, and we will applaud you every step of the way.

Jules Dolly said...

Such an open and honest post Nikki... I have wondered where you have been as you seemed to retreat, but I know that's a good thing for us all, at times we need to. Your pen and ink drawings are just adorable. I remember when you revealed them last year I thought of Beatrix Potter and I think you most definitely need to go with what makes your heart sing and also that feels in alignment with your walking. Think licensing and go for it x

Rachel said...

I've been rethinking a lot of things myself lately, especially regarding my writing and crafting -- I think that every time we stop and reevaluate, we have a great chance to improve ourselves and our work. Someone wise once said, "God created me, but He's not finished with me yet." We are all a work-in-progress, and wise is the person who realizes this and is willing to change!

Shannon Guerra said...

Ohhh...I love your transparency, and that you are doing the gutsy thing and opening up to be vulnerable! I think God always rewards us when we pursue His gifts in us - He gave you the gift, don't be afraid to unwrap it, play with it, take it apart and rebuild it, and try it in new ways! I love your work. :)

bananaorangeapple said...

All I have to add is that I love the watercolour and ink. A sign of good things to come I think.

judy russi said...

It will be interesting when you get where your going! God will give us the desires of our heart. We should do what we love -- so we can love what we do.

sue anderson said...

You will arrive at where you are destined.

Thank you for sharing.

Bibbitybob said...

I love this post, so open and honest. Good luck with your journey. I just discovered your blog and thought I'd stop by and say 'hello' :) x